“Miracles arise from a miraculous state of mind, or a state of miracle-readiness”
–A Course in Miracles
I have always been a bit suspicious of flying in airplanes. It just seems so horrifyingly unnatural to sail through the air in a giant metal box. But my life has been full of flying because my parents divorced when I was two, and they often lived far apart from one another. So In order to conquer that small fear I would always say a prayer before takeoff, and it would make me feel secure. Then, it was not up to me to determine the outcome of the flight. That was such a relief.
In September of 2001 I moved to New York City for college, two weeks before the World Trade Center came crashing down. A month later my stepfather, who had been in my life for as long as I could remember, was killed in a car accident. I took the first flight home from JFK on the one-month anniversary of 9/11, terrified and alone.
After my stepfather passed away, and the planes crashed into the Twin Towers, my faith that God would take care of me ceased. For one, it became clear that anything could happen at any time. None of us was safe from tragedy.
But for me, the more powerful compulsion was to take control from God and place it in my own hands. I started to feel like my very presence on the planet as a living, breathing human being became a necessity, not for me, but for my mother. I had decided that she would not survive it if something were to happen to me.
Suddenly, I felt an intense responsibility to stay alive. This translated to a deep need in myself to be fully responsible for my continued existence. I wanted to command death- something that, of course, none of us can do. My prayers to God did not help me anymore because fear had taken over…fear and a deep desire for control.
Since the loss of that reassurance my fear of flying has become somewhat crippling at times. But, it was only just recently that I realized the significance of the shift that happened to me when I let fear take over. Between that time and about a year ago, my mental and emotional well-being plummeted. I was directionless and confused. But what’s more, bad things just kept happening to me. I witnessed more death of loved-ones, more terrorism and a huge natural disaster.
Loss and tragedy have marked my experience of my twenties and early thirties. And I could not stop the painful things from happening. It all just kept going until my worst fear came true. I won’t say what that was, because it still feels too personal. But I will say that it brought me to my knees. I am sorry for the cliché, but I literally lost control of my physical self and fell to my knees. I was in “a state of miracle-readiness”. I finally opened myself back up to God.
It has become so incredibly clear to me that a life lived in fear only brings more fear to bear. I have had several people recommend A Course in Miracles to me since I have started this blog (Thanks, Outwit Yourself). The instant I opened the book, I felt connected to it. Upon just a cursory reading of the beginning, I noticed that it voices the kinds of insights I’ve started to have since I began this work.
So, I have chosen to read A Course in Miracles for the next leg of this blogging journey, and to report on my findings here. This could get much more intense than the first part of this blog-and that’s okay. I think there is merit to the Law of Attraction ideas, but my sense is that it does not encapsulate the whole picture-not by a long shot. So I am ready to go even deeper down the rabbit hole. I hope you’ll come with me!